Wednesday July 1st 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 801, 841
Deaths: 518, 843
Recovered: 5, 938, 530
Today I felt a little less depressed. Slept in a bit more although the baby continued screaming from the morning throughout the day. I drank coffee, tried applying to the Nickelodeon Writing program to no success (couldn’t find the release forms), and attempted to comfort the baby during his little demonic fits. Today was the first weekday we’ve been open at work, so I went to visit my coworkers on my day off to see how everything was going. I saw this girl I went to middle school with as she waited in line. She was pregnant, but I had no further questions because this girl was a bitch. Her mother is the nicest person you could meet so I don’t know what happened there. They’re rich, so maybe money spoiled her? I bought some custard. See! I don’t steal all the custard for myself!
My little cousin is going to a friend’s birthday party at his house while his mom and sister head to Charlotte for the weekend. I was never allowed to do that stuff. My parents watched me like a hawk. I guess it worked out because I was a straight A student, soloist percussionist, and soccer player. My sister was similar. Sometimes I think we missed out on normal childhoods, but this is common among immigrant children. We feel like we have to go above and beyond just to feel like we belong. We have to be better than the Mexicans and the Americans, just like the Selena movie says. It’s exhausting. Then again, why would I have missed out on? Sex? Drugs? Partying? Drinking? Heartbreak? I can do all that in my 20’s and 30’s with an established life, career, and sense of self. I’ve never wanted to have a life like everyone else. So, I guess let’s keep it going.
TV – Stargirl (this show is getting cheesy and I’m not liking it) and La Casa de las Flores (I finally finished it)
Tuesday June 30th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 583, 882
Deaths: 513, 861
Recovered: 5, 794, 489
One of my old professors asked me to writer her a letter of recommendation for the tenure review board. She was the director of the Looking Glass Writer’s Conference where I served as the first student intern. Her husband was my tutoring supervisor and the mentor of my senior project. He helped turn my book into what it became. They are both young professors fresh out of graduate school. She wrote me a letter to help me get my librarian job, so I was happy to return the favor and churned out an eloquent piece of convincing prose within an hour. So basically, I’m who doctors come to for good word of mouth.
I was in a funk today. I guess technically it’s just depression, but I thought a walk would help. I went. Walked a few laps. But nothing entertained me. Music, podcasts, books. I just didn’t care. My body felt much heavier than it usually does after a few miles. I decided to go see my nieces and nephew. We took them pizza. We caught up. They were adorable. I ate a lot of food. When I got to a family members house, I will eat whatever is in their fridge or pantry. We are blood, so why should I feign modesty? Now I’m back home. The baby has been very whiny lately. We think he’s teething. We got him so cactus shaped teething toys from Target with one of his baby shower gift cards. Why does a fourth month old have more money that me?
We also talked about this app called Randonautica that sends you coordinates to a random location to explore. Some kids found a suitcase with human remains on the beach with this. Others have been followed home. Others have encountered threatening characters. I think it might be some kind of black-market app to trick people into going to a location where they can easily be kidnapped, killed, or ripped apart for organ trade. Either way I made my cousin delete that shit real quick.
TV – La Casa de las Flores (this show wild)
Saturday June 28th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 082, 618
Deaths: 501, 309
Recovered: 5, 458, 523
I worked all day and I am tired, leave me alone. I played with dogs today so that’s cool.
Friday June 26th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 906, 585
Deaths: 496, 915
Recovered: 5, 357, 996
Lucas saw his birth mother today at the park. She changed his diaper and fed him, but the social worker says she didn’t seem to have that connection she sees with other mothers. She was agitated and talking to herself, so she’s probably out of her meds. She and my cousin are not going to get better, and if they are, they’re not off to a great start. She’s been through this visitation thing with her teenage daughters. Her family has cut her off. It’s basically a novela in our family.
That same girl I mentioned seeing yesterday at the park came to get custard today. I’ve never once seen her there before and she seemed like she didn’t know what she was doing. Could she have come to see me? I told her that I saw her at the park yesterday and her dog was adorable, which he is. We talked about that for a couple seconds and then she went about her way. She was wearing scrubs, confirming my idea that she’s a nurse. This all sounds stalker-like, but some weird coincidences have been happening lately. I’m trying to take inventory. This other person I tried talking to messaged me out of nowhere. Granted, they told me they used to have a crush on one of my friends. Not a good way to start a relationship. That’s the second time this month when someone has tried to use me to get to my hotter friend. Being the ugly friend/wingman fits my aesthetic though. Great comedic content.
Film – Mission Impossible: Fallout (Tom Cruise and Henry Cavill looking fineeee. The mustache was definitely worth the disgusting CGI to remove it in Justice League reshoots. Tom’s stunts amaze me. I hear he’s really nice. I’d like to be his friend, but he’d probably want to go sky diving for fun. No thanks)
Thursday June 25th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 698, 301
Deaths: 490, 916
Recovered: 5, 250, 698
I was so bored today that I downloaded almost all of the dating apps with the exclusion of more niche ones like FarmersOnly and ChristianMingle. Everyone’s lonely these days, but we can’t be going out to bars and coffeeshops, so we resort to online dating. It’s the future. Though I still believe these apps are pure vanity. The more open-ended ones I downloaded include:
Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagle, Match, and eHarmony
Some of them were so damn confusing and all of them gave you a limited number of profiles per day. Who is supposed to find love like this? I’m not going to pay money to promote my profile and get more swipes per day. Isn’t that just technological prostitution? I will say that Tinder has the easiest user interface, so good for you, Tinder. Second place goes to Bumble. There’s a new one called S’More that doesn’t show you the person’s face so you can get to know them through their interests and conversation first. As you get to know them, their profile picure becomes clearer. I hacked the system pretty easily though. I give that third place just on the premise alone, though as expected the people on there were not that pretty. Kidding! And all of the rest of the apps are equally awful and I will be deleting them ASAP. Will be trying Grindr and JDate next. Though I hear both of those are just places for exchanging nudes and hooking up.
Also, at the park today I saw a girl I had a crush on in middle school and it was very uncomfortable so I kept moving. That was the fastest I’ve ever walked. God’s pranking me. I think she’s married now, though. All the cheerleaders became nurses and married boys who not once made honor roll and are now openly racist.
Film – Color Out of Space (Nicholas Cage makes weird movies now and I like it)
Wednesday June 24th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 520, 199
Deaths: 483, 959
Recovered: 5, 169, 270
I’ve had a runny nose all day. I took a non-drowsy allergy tablet, but my nostrils poured snot like a faucet. We visited my aunt and cousin. My grandma started roasting us as she does and then zoomed away in her new car with her Mexican music blasting. There was this cute young guy walking by on the phone and my aunt had no idea who he was, but she was trying to convince my cousin to date him. That’s what Mexicans do. They see someone around your age, you better ask them out. “I want grandkids”. She said, “ew no”. They discussed going to Charlotte over this July 4th weekend, but I have to work. I don’t really get days off. Being an essential worker is a gift and a curse, but at least my pay is getting closer to normal.
It was announced today that the NC Phase 2 is being extended three weeks, and masks will be required. I can’t wait to see people protesting that while they walk around without washing their hands. Some will say “Jesus will protect me”. Do you say that when you’re driving without a seatbelt?
I heard the story about Elijah McClain who was killed on August 24th 2019 by police as he was walking home wearing a ski mask because he was anemic. He tried pleading with them telling them he doesn’t eat meat and he would never hurt a fly. He was 23. He would play the violin for cats in his free time. They injected him with ketamine to calm him while they held him down. He choked on his own vomit and suffered two heart attacks. He was brain dead 6 days later. The body cameras “fell” and one officer is heard saying to move the camera. The cause of death was undetermined. It makes me sick to read that and I hope we as Americans don’t stop until police involved in murderers like these are held accountable. WE need polcie for the police. That’s why “defund the police” is trending lately. The idea is that the police force will be replaced by counselors, community services, and youth programs to prevent the need for policing in the first place.
Confederate statues are being taken down around America. The Vance Monument in Asheville is being protected by men with assault rifles. Meanwhile, a “defund the police” street mural has been changed to “fund the police”. Imagine if you were Jewish and someone defended a Nazi statue. Then again, it’s hard for people to put themselves in another’s shoes.
Film – The Lobster (a world in which you get turned into an animal if you don’t fall in love. It’s insane and the dialogue feels like a middle school play)
Tuesday June 23rd 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 342, 588
Deaths: 478, 904
Recovered: 5, 036, 537
Worked this morning, went to the park, and came back home. Good news, Publix sandwiches are on sale! I was so excited. Also, Lucas was supposed to see his birth mother today, but she didn’t go to the meeting. Last time she went, she had an episode and ran out. The social worker came to meet my father today, because they want to know who Lucas is around. She asked my parents if we’re thinking of adopting Lucas. My coworker asked me the same thing today. I can’t imagine Lucas being with another family now. He’s like my little brother. He loves me. Always smiling when I coo at him or talk like Elmo. Please don’t see me, Sesame Street, it’s just a generic baby voice. If anything, I should sue you for Oscar the Grouch so clearly being based on my father. Anyways, I hope Lucas ends up with the best family whether that’s us or not. Maybe a rich family will adopt him and I can go visit him and eat the brand name fruit snacks from their cupboard while we watch Apple TV on their massage chairs.
Film – Just Mercy (a movie about a black lawyer trying to prove a black prisoner’s innocence. Amazon made the film free to help educate people on the Black Lives Matter movement. Though the story is harrowing, I’m remained of Michael B Jordan as Oscar Grand in Fruitvale Station. That movie gutted me.)
PS: I know these entries are getting shorter, but I’m so tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically. I pray for strength every night, but I’m just burning out as quick as I’m ignited. At least I don’t have corona. My friend is bored out of his mind and is really considering driving around from the safety of his car. He’s also learning to astral project, which is dangerous because your soul leaves your body. That leaves an empty vessel for demons to play with. I think I’ve done it before when I was younger and more open spiritually, but things are different now. I’m more weary of things like that. I will NEVER touch a Ouija board.
Monday June 22nd 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 179, 107
Deaths: 473, 454
Recovered: 4, 904, 210
I asked my COVID-19 positive friend to give me some of his thoughts. So here they are:
“I wasn’t scared or upset for me. I was upset because I wasn’t sure if I had exposed anyone. I wanted to make sure everyone would be okay even if I wasn’t. Quarantine has given me a lot of time to self-reflect and focus on myself, so ive done that. And just worked through my feelings in general.”
He’s been journaling, drawing, and re-watched Love, Victor three times. His chills have returned so a nurse is going to check on him. Aside from that it seems he’s getting better.
TV – La Casa de Las Flores
Sunday June 21st 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 044, 581 (I was almost one of these)
Deaths: 470, 665 (Probably one of these too)
Recovered: 4, 837, 952 (Friend will soon be one of these)
It’s Father’s Day, so we had a lot of families come in to work today. A lot of hot dads oddly enough. How are they so in shape when they’re eating custard? I don’t remember that many hot moms on Mother’s Day. Anyway, I brought my dad a Butter Pecan quart the other day, but my mom and cousins ate it…so I tried ot make one for him today. It didn’t work out well, but he will like it for the pecans. I’m thinking about my grandfather today, since we don’t really celebrate any holidays and my dad doesn’t really make a big deal out of Father’s day. If it weren’t for my Papi HEctor coming to America, my mother never would have met my dad. It’s just a weird chain of events things that go through my head. He was our patriarch, and I’d say he set us up for life in America pretty well.
I keep seeing a fat white cat in my yard when I come home at night, but I swear my neighbors only own a slim black cat. Is this some kind of sign? Is a fat white cat a sign of good luck the way black cats are bad? I could really use some luck right now, though I guess not having coronavirus is pretty lucky.
Films – The Thing (my mom said she had nightmares from the weird alien head scene. Also, Kurt Russell was such a pretty boy. Great movie. I think Kurt was the alien in the end. This is one of the few horror/sci-fi movies where the black characters live until the end. Commendable. Speaking of, I spoke with an old high school friend about touching her hair when we had first met because I was weird like that and pet people’s heads. I told her I’ve always felt bad since I learned it’s very disrespectful to touch a black woman’s hair. She told me she honestly forgot because she has to ignore microaggressions like that every day. That made me angrier at teen me because I don’t want to be one of those ignorant people she has to traverse every day. She forgave me and we talked about how cute her dog is and how healthy it is to cry. Good talk)
Thursday June 18th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 8, 576, 707
Deaths: 456, 262
Recovered: 4, 513, 309
I did nothing today except watch TV, finish a movie, and apply to a writing program. That took all day because there were so many questions and I had to revise the script I was sending. A lot of formatting issues. I hate technology I swear…. he said as he types on a laptop with his phone right in front of him and his tv directly ahead all lit by the lamp on the desk. So far all of my coworkers are coming out negative. The positive one is just quarantining at home because they couldn’t get him a hotel room. So, if I had it, I would just be dying alone in my room. So, nothing would be different except I’d be in physical pain as well as emotional.
I was all in my feels today. Talking about “I’ll never find love” and “I’m ugly” but then I realized I’m a gift to this planet and I’m not going to settle. When someone comes, I’ll embrace it. I’m not going to kill myself searching far and wide across the internet for anyone who shows the slightest interest in me. Maybe that sounds conceited, but that’s just because caring for yourself has become taboo. Everyone is more concerned with looks than lasting relationships. Dating apps are literally based on looks alone. All it takes is someone to pique your interest, but most of the people you match with only want sex or can’t hold a conversation. It’s exhausting. All I will say is, care for yourself. You can’t love anyone until you love you. Sounds stupid, but it’s true. No one, not even your perfect half, will make you whole if your piece is already broken.
That’s why I’m a psychologist. OK, not technically. I can legally call myself a counselor because they don’t need always need licensure. Wink. 😉 Hire me.
Film – Onward (the newest Pixar movie about two brothers who travel around a modern magic world with their dad’s legs. Someone posted a porn drawing of it so now I’ll never see it as the heartwarming film it was)