Thursday July 2nd 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 984, 798
Deaths: 524, 039
Recovered: 6, 140, 758
I worked all day and it was just a mess during the last hour, but other than that it was a boring day. Walked at the park and had to use the bathroom there. My stomach has been weird lately and I might have another stomach bug going around. I went to work all sweaty, but it doesn’t matter because I’m just going to get sweaty from running around anyway. My boss left me a huge list of things to do. Anyone, including my friend and new shift leader, would be overwhelmed but I’m used to it. She just likes to stay organized. It works with me; it gives me little goals to reach throughout the day. I finished them all and did more that wasn’t even asked for me. I wish I could have a vacation, but there are too many variables. The baby, work needing me, the deadly virus, etc. I’m making good money, and I’m just saving it. For what? I guess even if I die before using it, my mother can use it for Lucas.
My friend told me that this person that has been trying to court me initially said some things about my appearance. Calling me short, fat, and ugly. I was relieved. That’s all they could come up with? Those basic insecurities that I have already gotten over? I don’t care about my appearance in this increasingly vain world. I care about my mind, my relationships, and how I can leave this world a better place. Plus, insults are like ammo for me because they give me fuel for standup material. How is someone who flirts with me going to call me ugly? What kind of third grade hair pulling shit is this?
Film – Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (dumbass title. I guess this is a comedy? I don’t like Will Ferrell because his whole brand of humor is predictable. I feel as though all his characters are the same. The music was good. Europeans are going to watch this and just shake their heads at how awful Americans are. They even joke about it in the film. We are the worst!)
Wednesday July 1st 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 801, 841
Deaths: 518, 843
Recovered: 5, 938, 530
Today I felt a little less depressed. Slept in a bit more although the baby continued screaming from the morning throughout the day. I drank coffee, tried applying to the Nickelodeon Writing program to no success (couldn’t find the release forms), and attempted to comfort the baby during his little demonic fits. Today was the first weekday we’ve been open at work, so I went to visit my coworkers on my day off to see how everything was going. I saw this girl I went to middle school with as she waited in line. She was pregnant, but I had no further questions because this girl was a bitch. Her mother is the nicest person you could meet so I don’t know what happened there. They’re rich, so maybe money spoiled her? I bought some custard. See! I don’t steal all the custard for myself!
My little cousin is going to a friend’s birthday party at his house while his mom and sister head to Charlotte for the weekend. I was never allowed to do that stuff. My parents watched me like a hawk. I guess it worked out because I was a straight A student, soloist percussionist, and soccer player. My sister was similar. Sometimes I think we missed out on normal childhoods, but this is common among immigrant children. We feel like we have to go above and beyond just to feel like we belong. We have to be better than the Mexicans and the Americans, just like the Selena movie says. It’s exhausting. Then again, why would I have missed out on? Sex? Drugs? Partying? Drinking? Heartbreak? I can do all that in my 20’s and 30’s with an established life, career, and sense of self. I’ve never wanted to have a life like everyone else. So, I guess let’s keep it going.
TV – Stargirl (this show is getting cheesy and I’m not liking it) and La Casa de las Flores (I finally finished it)
Monday June 29th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 409, 239
Deaths: 508, 084
Recovered: 5, 664, 493
I spoke today with a friend from high school. He was the smartest kid at school and he’s half Mexican. My mom took care of him, as well as half the 20 somethings in this town, when he was a kid. I had posted something about needing a witch, curandero, or shaman to help save the world from this virus. He messaged me telling me about his experiences. Since I really did need to research folk magic for my TV pilot, I took him up on his offer to tell me more.
He told me about his possessed Mexican cousin, scratches on his father’s back, and encounters with duendes and demons. The reason it’s so interesting to hear from him is because he is a licensed counselor. He knows all about what a mind is capable, and he is still spiritual. He knows he hasn’t imagined things he’s experienced. He’s also gay, and he believes that Christ is Love. He’s been to enough racist and homophobic churches in his life to accumulate his own ideology, which is oddly similar to mine. Great minds think alike. Also, I was telling him about one of the characters and it sounded a lot like him. Maybe I subconsciously based the character on him. Also, he was high during the interview. It was great. He worked all day, what he does after work is his own business. Yes, professionals smoke too.
Dating apps, lol, I changed my location to Madrid on the app and everyone is so much hotter than the people here
Sunday June 28th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 243, 858
Deaths: 504, 410
Recovered: 5, 553, 495
I never realized how uncomfortable I am around cops until today. I was driving home from my aunt’s house and my mom was driving in her car right next to me. I noticed a Sheriff in my rearview and my body tensed up. You might say that’s because I want to be obeying the law, but I think it’s because as a child of immigrants the police have always been this enigmatic all-powerful entity. They can either hurt or protect you, depending on who you are and what you’ve done. Now we’re releasing that sometimes there is no grey area. It is literally black and white. A black woman was burned alive. Trans women gunned down. Black men hanged from trees in public parks. Nothing is being done. Breonna Taylor’s killers are still loose. She did nothing wrong. She was in her own home, and she was still murdered.
Later three police cars from Laurel Park, an affluent community about 15 minutes away pulled into our empty parking lot after closing and started talking to this homeless man. It’s second nature now to start recording with our phones. We turned down the R&B we were blasting and eyed the police through the windows. Then another car. And another. Five cars for one man, and not one officer knocked on the building with five teens and young adults alone to tell us what was happening. Finally, when it was time to leave. We were kind of frightened. I imagined a shootout would begin or I would be told to get on the ground. I’d obey, but what’s to stop them from killing me anyway? Our resident white boy asked if we could leave and they said there was an incident at the local McDonalds and they were getting eyewitness testimony. A female officer asked my coworker, an Asian woman, if we had been scared by the ruckus. She said yes. We left in a big huddle, while one lone Sheriff sat in his car before pulling out of our parking lot. Our white boy said, “they’re just cops.” But we just looked at each other, because it’s not always that simple.
We bought tiny chairs for kids to sit in at work. It’s so cute.
Saturday June 28th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 10, 082, 618
Deaths: 501, 309
Recovered: 5, 458, 523
I worked all day and I am tired, leave me alone. I played with dogs today so that’s cool.
Friday June 26th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 906, 585
Deaths: 496, 915
Recovered: 5, 357, 996
Lucas saw his birth mother today at the park. She changed his diaper and fed him, but the social worker says she didn’t seem to have that connection she sees with other mothers. She was agitated and talking to herself, so she’s probably out of her meds. She and my cousin are not going to get better, and if they are, they’re not off to a great start. She’s been through this visitation thing with her teenage daughters. Her family has cut her off. It’s basically a novela in our family.
That same girl I mentioned seeing yesterday at the park came to get custard today. I’ve never once seen her there before and she seemed like she didn’t know what she was doing. Could she have come to see me? I told her that I saw her at the park yesterday and her dog was adorable, which he is. We talked about that for a couple seconds and then she went about her way. She was wearing scrubs, confirming my idea that she’s a nurse. This all sounds stalker-like, but some weird coincidences have been happening lately. I’m trying to take inventory. This other person I tried talking to messaged me out of nowhere. Granted, they told me they used to have a crush on one of my friends. Not a good way to start a relationship. That’s the second time this month when someone has tried to use me to get to my hotter friend. Being the ugly friend/wingman fits my aesthetic though. Great comedic content.
Film – Mission Impossible: Fallout (Tom Cruise and Henry Cavill looking fineeee. The mustache was definitely worth the disgusting CGI to remove it in Justice League reshoots. Tom’s stunts amaze me. I hear he’s really nice. I’d like to be his friend, but he’d probably want to go sky diving for fun. No thanks)
Thursday June 25th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 698, 301
Deaths: 490, 916
Recovered: 5, 250, 698
I was so bored today that I downloaded almost all of the dating apps with the exclusion of more niche ones like FarmersOnly and ChristianMingle. Everyone’s lonely these days, but we can’t be going out to bars and coffeeshops, so we resort to online dating. It’s the future. Though I still believe these apps are pure vanity. The more open-ended ones I downloaded include:
Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagle, Match, and eHarmony
Some of them were so damn confusing and all of them gave you a limited number of profiles per day. Who is supposed to find love like this? I’m not going to pay money to promote my profile and get more swipes per day. Isn’t that just technological prostitution? I will say that Tinder has the easiest user interface, so good for you, Tinder. Second place goes to Bumble. There’s a new one called S’More that doesn’t show you the person’s face so you can get to know them through their interests and conversation first. As you get to know them, their profile picure becomes clearer. I hacked the system pretty easily though. I give that third place just on the premise alone, though as expected the people on there were not that pretty. Kidding! And all of the rest of the apps are equally awful and I will be deleting them ASAP. Will be trying Grindr and JDate next. Though I hear both of those are just places for exchanging nudes and hooking up.
Also, at the park today I saw a girl I had a crush on in middle school and it was very uncomfortable so I kept moving. That was the fastest I’ve ever walked. God’s pranking me. I think she’s married now, though. All the cheerleaders became nurses and married boys who not once made honor roll and are now openly racist.
Film – Color Out of Space (Nicholas Cage makes weird movies now and I like it)
Wednesday June 24th 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 520, 199
Deaths: 483, 959
Recovered: 5, 169, 270
I’ve had a runny nose all day. I took a non-drowsy allergy tablet, but my nostrils poured snot like a faucet. We visited my aunt and cousin. My grandma started roasting us as she does and then zoomed away in her new car with her Mexican music blasting. There was this cute young guy walking by on the phone and my aunt had no idea who he was, but she was trying to convince my cousin to date him. That’s what Mexicans do. They see someone around your age, you better ask them out. “I want grandkids”. She said, “ew no”. They discussed going to Charlotte over this July 4th weekend, but I have to work. I don’t really get days off. Being an essential worker is a gift and a curse, but at least my pay is getting closer to normal.
It was announced today that the NC Phase 2 is being extended three weeks, and masks will be required. I can’t wait to see people protesting that while they walk around without washing their hands. Some will say “Jesus will protect me”. Do you say that when you’re driving without a seatbelt?
I heard the story about Elijah McClain who was killed on August 24th 2019 by police as he was walking home wearing a ski mask because he was anemic. He tried pleading with them telling them he doesn’t eat meat and he would never hurt a fly. He was 23. He would play the violin for cats in his free time. They injected him with ketamine to calm him while they held him down. He choked on his own vomit and suffered two heart attacks. He was brain dead 6 days later. The body cameras “fell” and one officer is heard saying to move the camera. The cause of death was undetermined. It makes me sick to read that and I hope we as Americans don’t stop until police involved in murderers like these are held accountable. WE need polcie for the police. That’s why “defund the police” is trending lately. The idea is that the police force will be replaced by counselors, community services, and youth programs to prevent the need for policing in the first place.
Confederate statues are being taken down around America. The Vance Monument in Asheville is being protected by men with assault rifles. Meanwhile, a “defund the police” street mural has been changed to “fund the police”. Imagine if you were Jewish and someone defended a Nazi statue. Then again, it’s hard for people to put themselves in another’s shoes.
Film – The Lobster (a world in which you get turned into an animal if you don’t fall in love. It’s insane and the dialogue feels like a middle school play)
Tuesday June 23rd 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 342, 588
Deaths: 478, 904
Recovered: 5, 036, 537
Worked this morning, went to the park, and came back home. Good news, Publix sandwiches are on sale! I was so excited. Also, Lucas was supposed to see his birth mother today, but she didn’t go to the meeting. Last time she went, she had an episode and ran out. The social worker came to meet my father today, because they want to know who Lucas is around. She asked my parents if we’re thinking of adopting Lucas. My coworker asked me the same thing today. I can’t imagine Lucas being with another family now. He’s like my little brother. He loves me. Always smiling when I coo at him or talk like Elmo. Please don’t see me, Sesame Street, it’s just a generic baby voice. If anything, I should sue you for Oscar the Grouch so clearly being based on my father. Anyways, I hope Lucas ends up with the best family whether that’s us or not. Maybe a rich family will adopt him and I can go visit him and eat the brand name fruit snacks from their cupboard while we watch Apple TV on their massage chairs.
Film – Just Mercy (a movie about a black lawyer trying to prove a black prisoner’s innocence. Amazon made the film free to help educate people on the Black Lives Matter movement. Though the story is harrowing, I’m remained of Michael B Jordan as Oscar Grand in Fruitvale Station. That movie gutted me.)
PS: I know these entries are getting shorter, but I’m so tired. Not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically. I pray for strength every night, but I’m just burning out as quick as I’m ignited. At least I don’t have corona. My friend is bored out of his mind and is really considering driving around from the safety of his car. He’s also learning to astral project, which is dangerous because your soul leaves your body. That leaves an empty vessel for demons to play with. I think I’ve done it before when I was younger and more open spiritually, but things are different now. I’m more weary of things like that. I will NEVER touch a Ouija board.
Monday June 22nd 2020
Coronavirus Cases: 9, 179, 107
Deaths: 473, 454
Recovered: 4, 904, 210
I asked my COVID-19 positive friend to give me some of his thoughts. So here they are:
“I wasn’t scared or upset for me. I was upset because I wasn’t sure if I had exposed anyone. I wanted to make sure everyone would be okay even if I wasn’t. Quarantine has given me a lot of time to self-reflect and focus on myself, so ive done that. And just worked through my feelings in general.”
He’s been journaling, drawing, and re-watched Love, Victor three times. His chills have returned so a nurse is going to check on him. Aside from that it seems he’s getting better.
TV – La Casa de Las Flores